Valentine’s Day Celebrations Cancelled, Giant Donut Erected, Dixie Chicks Rumored to Love Paterson

PATERSON, NEW JERSEY: The town selectmen of Paterson have tentatively announced cancelling Valentine’s Day celebrations. “We just can’t afford the decorations this year. These are really tough economic times. We have to look at every line item,” explained Henri Wolowski, the selectman spokesperson. Paterson is famous throughout Northeastern New Jersey, in fact, throughout the tri-state area, for its extensive and tasteful Valentine’s Day decorations.

Krispy Kreme has donated a giant donut in the shape of a heart to be mounted on the front of CIty Hall.

“I don’t know what the world is coming to if we can’t celebrate our national holidays like we should. It isn’t a good example for our children!” opined Mrs. Ernestine Broadwat. [Wally–should we mention Valentine’s Day isn’t national holiday?] “We should cut the fat out of our school budgets. So much money is wasted on theater, music, painting, drawing and all that kind of cr–. Everybody knows art is a waste of time. Schools should focus on what really matters, and what will help our children in the real world, like teaching them Facebook,” continued Mrs. Broadwat.

A small and peaceful protest broke out spontaneously in front of City Hall this morning, when three office workers were outside smoking on their break. They wrote “Free Valentine’s Day” on their Starbucks paper coffee cups, and briefly chanted “Shall We Gather At the River.” When asked why that famous American gospel song, they replied they all knew it: at least the first two lines.

Local merchants are showing true Paterson spirit, by stepping up to the plate, even when local government falls short. Krispy Kreme is donated a giant donut in the shape of a heart. The two-story-high donut will be mounted on the front of City Hall at a special midnight ceremony on Valentine’s Day Eve. There is an exciting rumor that the Dixie Chicks will reunite for a one-time-only special concert. Selectman Woloski recalled  that one of the Dixie Chick’s Lexus broke down in Paterson on her way to a concert in Princeton several years ago, and said Paterson was “a very nice town, no matter what anybody says.”

In related news Selectman Woloki’s daughter “Blaze” has been chosen as a semi-finalist on American Idol! The town of Paterson is in an uproar. The board of selectman have already agreed to a ticker-tape parade [Wally–the selectman asked where they could get tickertape] and a “Welcome Home, Blaze” celebration if Ms. Woloki wins in the finals at American Idol! Go Blaze!!!

Ticker Tape Parade possible for Paterson. Said to be very good for business!

“New Holiday Needed!” Clifton Assistant Comptroller Declares, Wet T Shirts Anticipated, Tabby Cat Lonely

CLIFTON, NEW JERSEY: “The problem with January is there is no official holiday. Let’s face it, we need one. Bank tellers and postal workers are exhausted by their work, and need a break in January after the holidays in December. Also, we need to give local merchants an excuse to have a sale. Holidays aren’t about family, they’re about moving merchandise and raising tax dollars for the great state of New Jersey,” opines the unusually candid Assistant Comptroller of Clifton, David Boorstein. [Wally, don’t mention that Dave was “in his cups” when he said this–]

The historic U.S. Animal Quarantine Station, in Clifton, New Jersey.

Local waitress Ernestine Glynbourne (a local legend–she’s worked five years at a regional Hooters franchise, and was recently elevated to assistant night manager)–won the “Name a New Holiday Competition” sponsored by the Clifton Chamber of Commerce. “I just think it would be really cool to have a wet t shirt contest at the mall in January. That would make people buy s–t, for sure,” stated Ms. Glynbourne who hopes to return to Clifton Community College to finish her degree in forensic psychology. Miss Evangeline Thornhill, Ernestine’s former English teacher at Clifton High has filed a formal complaint at the Clifton Courthouse. “A wet t shirt contest is in poor taste, to say the least. And I don’t think it shows our great city in the best light. Besides, Ernestine never could spell properly, and I don’t think she should be encouraged in any way,” added Miss Thornhill.

A wet t shirt contest (in January) has been proposed as a way of promoting business in Clifton.

Danny Murmel (12) was the runner-up. He suggested a “Cifton Smash Up Car Derby” to take place either on Main Street downtown, or at one of the major malls. “Guys would totally come to watch old cars destroying each other. You know they’d want to buy t shirts afterwards. Who cares about about girls in wet t shirts? But I’ll want to buy one if has a car smash up on it.”

In a related story, the Assistant Comptroller Dave Boorstein, has announced that his six year old male tabby “Whippersnapper the Third” is looking for a mate. “I’m willing to offer up to $200 for a female cat who gets along with “Whip.” It’s sad to think of him home alone all day. Even cats have feelings. Maybe that should be the name of our next holiday,” he mused.

Mr. Whippersnapper the Third.

Kim Kardashian Causes Fender-Bender, Sequin-Shedding Expected, White Castle Extends Special Discount

FT. LEE, NEW JERSEY: Mayhem reigned briefly last night at 11:43 pm shortly before the ball was to fall in Times Square on New Years Eve. The altercation occurred on an exit ramp leading to the beloved George Washington Bridge, on the New Jersey side. A rumor had spread like wildfire via Twitter that American Superstar Kim Kardashian was going to appear at a pop-op club in the Bronx exactly at midnight.

A traffic jam understandably occurred as young men from all over the area attempted to speed to the pop-up club on the New York side of the bridge. Kardashian was reportedly going to appear, scantily attired in only a thong, the rest of her body covered in sequins glued to her body in strategic locations. Her act reportedly consisting of sliding down a two-story-tall fireman’s pole–then mounting a stage, and wiggling to the Lady Gaga dance hit, “Bad Romance.” Bets were taken on how many sequins would fall off.

Kim Kardashian: displaying some of her many charms.

“Holy sh–,” said “Dude” McCauley (14). “My life would be so totally rad if I could only hook-up with Kim. She is so hot.” “Yeah, that would be sweet, dude,” concurred “Slick” McGovern (15). “Kim would be totally into you. Everyone knows you rock, man.”

The police were called when a minor fender-bender happened between a late-model Lexus and and a thirty-five-year-old Camaro. “He thinks just because his dad is some rich lawyer in the city and he drives a Lexus that he can scrape the side of my Dad’s vintage car. I’m sick of rich kids making fun of my Dad’s car. Orange is my favorite color. And being a plumber is so much cooler than being a lawyer. Everyone knows lawyers are crooks,” ranted the young man in the Camaro, Vinnie Bronchino (18). Chad Galwaith (19), the driver of the Lexus answered, “And plumbers aren’t crooks?” They were then separated by four police officers from Fort Lee.

A local news team arrived to cover the event, and confirmed that the rumor on Twitter was a hoax. “How can that be, man?” asked “Dude” McCauley. “Everybody knows everything on Twitter is totally reliable.” Deflated, but still hungry, a large group of teens decided to visit the local White Castle where they were given a special group discount because of New Years Eve. The next special group discount scheduled for White Castle is on Valentine’s Day. “Maybe I can bring Kim,” said “Dude.”

Ft. Lee's White Castle Restaurant, where "Dude" hopes to bring Kim Kardashian.

Christmas Lights Offend, Egg Nog Restores, Dancing Reported Good for “Heart Health”

RIDGEWOOD, NEW JERSEY: The Ridgewood Neighborhood Watch were called early this afternoon to calm a brief family altercation. “My husband is such an idiot. It’s the day after Christmas. Everybody knows you’re supposed to return all the s— you don’t want, and buy even more stuff on sale. This is America, for cripes sake! We buy stuff! That’s what makes America great!” stated Anna Maria Consuelo of Ridgewood. “Her values are totally wrong. This is Christmas–the holiday season! It’s not about shopping, it’s about watching sports!” asserted her husband, Edoardo Consuelo.

The Conseulo home, decorated for Christmas.

A neighbor, Miss Abigail Thrushbottom, was responsible for calling the neighborhood watch association. “One doesn’t want to call the police. That goes on the permanent record. I don’t want to take any action that devalues the value of our homes. On the other hand, I don’t want people I wouldn’t invite to dinner screaming at the tops of their voices either,” sniffed Miss Thrushbottom.

Neighbors gathered outside the Conseulo home while waiting for the neighborhood watch. [Wally–add website for watch here] Goodies left over from Christmas were shared, and it was generally acknowledged that Miss Thrushbottom’s Genovese Layer Cake was the “winner” of the occasion. “I generally don’t like Italian people,” asserted Ms. Thrushbottom, apparently never hearing of political correctness. (She is 97 years young. Isn’t that amazing??) “But they certainly know how to make a layer cake,” Ms. Thrushbottom added approvingly.

Miss Thrushbottom's delicious rum cake. Yum, yum!

All was forgiven, when the Conseulos brought a heavily-spiked egg nog out to their neighbors, and everyone got tipsy pretty quickly. The Conseulos turned up their outdoor sound system, which is automatically timed with the flashing lights on their home. Soon everyone was dancing to the vintage hit “It’s Raining Men!” An impromptu block party sprang up because of the unseasonably warm temperatures. Miss Thrushbottom briefly considered calling the neighborhood watch again because of the noise. But after 5 large glasses of egg nog, she didn’t seem to mind the noise at all. All’s Well That Ends Well, as Charles Dickens said!

The impromptu block party is still going on, thanks to the Conseulos' egg nog!!

Cannoli Causes Fit, Comptroller Crowns Princess, the Crowd Dances

WEEHAWKEN, NEW JERSEY: Medics needed to be called when a male contestant suddenly suffered a fainting attack during the “Twenty-Fifth Annual Weekhawken Cannoli Eating Contest” earlier today. The EMTs rushed Vinnie Francesco (43) to the Red Cross tent set up for today’s “Save the Weehawken Library” half-marathon. Mr. Francesco quickly recovered, and the EMT’s declared that the local carpenter/contractor had suffered a mild case of “sugar shock.” “He was always a wus,” remarked his wife of twenty years, Agostina Francesco (age not given). “This happens every year. He eats twenty-three cannolis in five minutes, and he wonders why he faints. He’s an idiot. What can I tell you? I married an idiot!”

Why not add cherries to the ends of your cannolis, for a cheerful Holiday treat?

Local readers are concerned that the local library will be razed, and a Taco Bell franchise erected in its place. “Nobody reads any more,” bemoaned long-time Weehawken librarian Eleanora (“Chi Chi”) Rothscommon. “Nobody cares about books. The library is empty all day long. We just get the occasional teenager trying to download porn.” Taco Bell handed out free vegetarian tacos, and the general consensus was “good riddance” to the historic library. “Who needs books? But everybody needs tacos!” exclaimed Tiffani Stepani (37), mother of five.

Some of the delicious tacos passed out gratis by generous Taco Bell! Yum, yum!

The comptroller of Weehawken was on hand for the cannoli-eating competition, reminding citizens that tax season is upon us, and he hoped everyone had paid their estimated taxes this year. But everyone was eating tacos, and did not listen to the speech. The comptroller, Benjamin K. Ergbot II, then crowned Jennifer Ergbot (no relation) “Miss Cannoli of 2011.” The crowd then danced to the sounds of reggae and post-modern hip hop, music provided by the DJ known as “Fatboy Slimtime.”

The crowd danced after the cannoli-eating contest. No one could explain the colorful costumes. But they’re cute!

TENTH ANNUAL GRAVY SPITTING CONTEST HUGE SUCCESS, POSTIVE ATTITUDE ALWAYS WINS

PARAMUS, NEW JERSEY: The Tenth Annual Paramus Gravy Spitting Contest was a rousing success at the Paramus Supermall this year. This now beloved tradition was started by Harriet P. Blumacker, who was at the contest as a special honored guest. In explaining how she started this post-Thanksgiving funfest, Ms. Blumacker (97 years young–isn’t she amazing?!) stated in front of a packed crowd, “Well, years ago, it was the weekend after Thanksgiving. And what are you going to do with all that gloppy gravy? I decided the only thing to do was to spit it as far as possible.”

                Mrs. Blumacker’s famous gravy, served on top of biscuits–yum yum!

“What makes my gravy special is I add bittersweet chocolate, chocolate chips, and bacon bits–not those things you buy at the store. I fry up my own bacon. It makes it interesting when you spit it. The bacon bits are little bit like shrapnel. It hurts when it hits you,” she added informatively.

                           Female contestants in the annual Gravy Spitting Contest.

A minor altercation broke out in the middle of the competition. “Women always win the contest. It’s so not fair,” complained Butch C. Reebocker (14). “Ever since the mayor said women should wear bathing suits, they always win. Men are really good spitters too. I’m thinking of starting a male-only spitting contest in Ho-Ho-Kus.”

Order was quickly restored when Rev. Chester Whitestone II (of near by St. James’ parish) said a nondenominational prayer/meditation, asking “Universal Life Energy” to help all the contestants, and reminding the crowd that “winning is not the most important thing, a positive mental attitude is.”

Susie Wheeler (38DD, 23, 36) of Hackensack was the winner of spitting contest, propelling the gravy an amazing six yards. “I play the trumpet. I can shoot spit across six states,” she stated flatly before accepting her trophy, a Sterling (plated) gravy boat in the shape of horse (the New Jersey State Animal). [Wally add photo of gravy boat here]

The Star Bangled Banner was sung by Melissa Kissneer (12) and she only cracked once. This was followed by dancing, with music provided by DJ Sistah Maureen. [Wally, don’t mention police were called at 3 am]

              The happy crowd danced the night away, after spitting out their gravy.

ANNUAL PIE-EATING CONTEST CAUSES NO SICKNESS OR GRUDGES

WEST MILFORD, NEW JERSEY: The St. Thomas Ladies Auxiliary League presents it’s 36th Annual “Pie Eating Contest” this weekend to benefit the “Ladies Only Glee Club” which will be putting on an unusually ambitious musical this year: WICKED. Money needs to be raised to hire the famous “Flying by Foy” family to teach the lead singer how to “fly” on pulleys and wires.

“The Ladies Only Glee Club” rehearsing for its upcoming production of WICKED.

“The world is so full of tragedy,” stated the rector, the Most Reverend Everard Symonton III. “The Ladies Only Glee Club” is attempting to bring a little joy and moral uplift for the good people of West Milford. I believe most people are good people, and will enjoy the message that WICKED provides: healthy self-esteem. And perhaps a tiny bit of revenge.”

     Mrs. Everard’s Symonton III’s famous “Tarte au Fromage Blanc.”

Mrs. Everard Symonton III has been persuaded to bake her famous “tarte au fromage blanc.” It was a bit controversial last year. “Everybody knows her cake stinks,” states Buffy Van Gelder, a long-time member of the parish. “People feel like they have to suck up to her, and tell her how great it is, just because she’s married to the Rector. My banana cream pie can beat her so-called dessert any day of the week. Just ask the long-time members–the real members–of this parish!              Buffy Van Gelder’s somewhat controversial banana cream pie.

Last year Byron Chesterton Standish II had to receive medical attention after eating 5 1/2 pies. He was rushed to the West Milford Emergency Room where he received oxygen after suffering from a severe gas attack. Mr. Standish issued a written statement earlier today “My illness is long forgotten. And I bear no grudge against Buffy Van Gelder at all. Everyone knows that forgiveness is one of the primary Christian virtues. And gosh knows I’m a serious Christian. I can’t speak for others.”

The Ladies Auxiliary hopes to get famed tv and stage actress Kristin Chenoweth, one of the original stars of WICKED on Broadway, to judge the pie eating extravaganza. “She trained as an opera singer first, you know,” said Ethel Y. Borthrow, the head of the Auxiliary. “Then she sang on Broadway, and now she just released a Country CD. She’s a Renaissance woman! It would be so cool to have her judge our pies! [Wally–does anyone know how to contact Ms. Chenoweth personally? Can we send her a sample pie?]

   Kristin Chenoweth: Broadway star. And reportedly very down-to-earth.

CHRISTMAS TREE PREMATURE, MUSKRATS MISUNDERSTOOD, BATONS ON FIRE!

PATERSON, NEW JERSEY: The Paterson New Jersey Super Supermall broke a long-standing New Jersey record for earliest Christmas display. Their gigantic Christmas tree went up two days before Labor Day, when temperatures were still in the high 90s.

             The Paterson Mall Christmas tree. You can hardly tell it’s imitation.

“We fully intend to have our Christmas tree up the longest of any Supermall in the great state of New Jersey,” intoned Cheswick K. Knickerbocker III, whose family owns a slew of Supermalls and strip malls all across the state. “Christmas is what this great country, and this great state, is all about. We wish it would be Christmas every day of the year,” said Mr. Knickerbocker, right before he had his photograph taken with Zenelle Jameson (21), who was named “Miss Paterson Supermall of 2011.” “We will not take that tree down until after Memorial Day,” Mr. Knickerbocker pledged. “That is so rad,” added Ms. Jameson.

Mrs. (“Buffy”) Kickerbocker was on hand to promote her personal pet project, “Save the Muskrats Now!” “People so don’t understand what a muskrat is. They think it’s some kind of real rat! That’s so far from the truth–it makes me feel really sad. They don’t know how important they are to the food chain in North America. It’s really true! I read it online on the Encyclopedia Britannica site!” added Mrs. Kickerbocker, an attractive auburn-haired horsewoman, who sported an outfit from Coach. “Don’t tell my husband. I bought it at one of those cut-rate malls off the turnpike.”

Have you considered adopting a muskrat? Many are available at your local ASPCA.

The afternoon ended on a high note, with Ms. Jameson displaying her prowess as a Class A baton twirler. “It was my ‘talent’ at the Miss Paterson Junior Miss Pageant last year. Baton twirling is so what this country is about. Especially when the batons are on fire. It’s about movement, and freedom, and you might die any minute.” [Wally–add a link here to the history of baton twirling]

Flaming baton twirling: dangerous to the twirler, and the audience. But so worth it!

KOALA BEAR ESCAPES, PIE SICKENS, BEHAVIORIST TEXTED

PARAMUS, NEW JERSEY: Panic reigned briefly today, at the local Paramus Petting Zoo. “Mr. Bismark,” a two-year old adorable koala bear escaped from his cage, and climbed up a large telephone pole.

                                The telephone pole that “Mr. Bismark” climbed.

The Paramus fire department was called, and the always-at-the-ready heroic team arrived on the scene within 3 minutes. 27-year-old Tadd O’Reilly bravely climbed a tall and shaky ladder to reach “Mr. Bismark” who was hanging precariously at least 30 feet off the ground.

“Oh my G–! That firefighter has the best a– I’ve ever seen!” stated an awe-struck Regine Wadwucker (single). “I watched it while he was going all the way up and down that ladder!” “Isn’t it great that he saved ‘Mr. Bismark?'”queried Taneen Ballard-Nooren. “Who cares about that animal? It’s ugly! I wonder if that guy has a calendar?” answered Ms. Wadwucker.

Applause broke out when Firefighter O’Reilly returned the terrified bear to head zoo keeper Bernice K. Fellweather. “This never would have happened if that new keeper hadn’t left the cage door open. Now I have to call the animal behaviorist. It takes them months to over these traumas. Koala’s are very sensitive. I can relate,” she said, stroking “Mr. Bismark” gently. [Wally–add animal behavior website here]

                  “Mr. Bismark” in happier days. But “All’s well that ends well!”

Josephine’s Pies next door donated a delicious banana cream pie for an impromptu “Welcome Home” party for “Mr. Bismark.” “It’s this kind of wholesome family fun that the Paramus Petting Zoo stands for. If people spent more times in zoos, then they wouldn’t do so many drugs,” stated Ms. Fellweather. “Mr. Bismark” was allowed to have a small piece of pie, but later spit it up. He’s recovered speedily, and is resting quietly.

  Banana cream pie made “Mr. Bismark,” spit up. But it’s great if you’re human!

SENIOR BEAUTIES REUNITE, GULLS SHAKE OFF TAR, SQUARE DANCING GOOD FOR SOUL, LADIES CLAIM

ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY: Runners-up from a 1952 bathing beauty competition in lovely Atlantic City, New Jersey reunited at a press conference in Atlantic City yesterday.

Runners-up  in the “Miss Taffy Pull of 1952 Competition.”

“Miss Taffy Pull of 1952 thought she was too good to come meet up with the likes of us,” said Miss Dora Underbottom (never married). “Even Miss Congeniality didn’t show up. Just who do they think they are? We aren’t losers! We’re ‘runners up.'” “They was always stuck-up,” agreed Francine Deville (ages undisclosed). “Besides, everybody knew the contest was rigged. They probably slept with the guy who had the Taffy Pull concession on the boardwalk.”

The event was a benefit for seagulls who get covered with tar on the beach, and need a foster home temporarily. “Bucks For Gulls” was the theme of the elegant luncheon in which a typical meal from 1952 was served: hot dogs on white buns (with chili, if you wanted it), potato chips (made in New Jersey), extra-tangy relish, potato salad with extra mayonnaise, and a green Jello mold (with canned peaches and Dreamwhip) for dessert.

The exclusive “Bucks For Gulls” luncheon. Green Jello mold was served.

After the luncheon there was a short break while the ladies changed into their colorful and flattering Square Dance skirts. “When I put on my pink and purple skirt, with the crinoline underneath that makes it stand straight out, I feel like it’s 1952 again,” said Miss Underbottom, a bit tearfully. “Square dancing makes you feel young and optimistic. Besides, there are men here. They all look like they’re about to die–but they’re still men!” added Miss Deville, referring to the escorts (mostly married) from the local Rotary Club. There was much talk of making both the luncheon and the square dance a yearly event. Let’s hope so. It’s always pleasant to have an influx of lovely ladies into New Jersey!

The former Bathing Beauties “cut a rug” yesterday square dancing. Good for burning off the hot dogs!