Valentine’s Day Celebrations Cancelled, Giant Donut Erected, Dixie Chicks Rumored to Love Paterson

PATERSON, NEW JERSEY: The town selectmen of Paterson have tentatively announced cancelling Valentine’s Day celebrations. “We just can’t afford the decorations this year. These are really tough economic times. We have to look at every line item,” explained Henri Wolowski, the selectman spokesperson. Paterson is famous throughout Northeastern New Jersey, in fact, throughout the tri-state area, for its extensive and tasteful Valentine’s Day decorations.

Krispy Kreme has donated a giant donut in the shape of a heart to be mounted on the front of CIty Hall.

“I don’t know what the world is coming to if we can’t celebrate our national holidays like we should. It isn’t a good example for our children!” opined Mrs. Ernestine Broadwat. [Wally–should we mention Valentine’s Day isn’t national holiday?] “We should cut the fat out of our school budgets. So much money is wasted on theater, music, painting, drawing and all that kind of cr–. Everybody knows art is a waste of time. Schools should focus on what really matters, and what will help our children in the real world, like teaching them Facebook,” continued Mrs. Broadwat.

A small and peaceful protest broke out spontaneously in front of City Hall this morning, when three office workers were outside smoking on their break. They wrote “Free Valentine’s Day” on their Starbucks paper coffee cups, and briefly chanted “Shall We Gather At the River.” When asked why that famous American gospel song, they replied they all knew it: at least the first two lines.

Local merchants are showing true Paterson spirit, by stepping up to the plate, even when local government falls short. Krispy Kreme is donated a giant donut in the shape of a heart. The two-story-high donut will be mounted on the front of City Hall at a special midnight ceremony on Valentine’s Day Eve. There is an exciting rumor that the Dixie Chicks will reunite for a one-time-only special concert. Selectman Woloski recalled  that one of the Dixie Chick’s Lexus broke down in Paterson on her way to a concert in Princeton several years ago, and said Paterson was “a very nice town, no matter what anybody says.”

In related news Selectman Woloki’s daughter “Blaze” has been chosen as a semi-finalist on American Idol! The town of Paterson is in an uproar. The board of selectman have already agreed to a ticker-tape parade [Wally–the selectman asked where they could get tickertape] and a “Welcome Home, Blaze” celebration if Ms. Woloki wins in the finals at American Idol! Go Blaze!!!

Ticker Tape Parade possible for Paterson. Said to be very good for business!

“New Holiday Needed!” Clifton Assistant Comptroller Declares, Wet T Shirts Anticipated, Tabby Cat Lonely

CLIFTON, NEW JERSEY: “The problem with January is there is no official holiday. Let’s face it, we need one. Bank tellers and postal workers are exhausted by their work, and need a break in January after the holidays in December. Also, we need to give local merchants an excuse to have a sale. Holidays aren’t about family, they’re about moving merchandise and raising tax dollars for the great state of New Jersey,” opines the unusually candid Assistant Comptroller of Clifton, David Boorstein. [Wally, don’t mention that Dave was “in his cups” when he said this–]

The historic U.S. Animal Quarantine Station, in Clifton, New Jersey.

Local waitress Ernestine Glynbourne (a local legend–she’s worked five years at a regional Hooters franchise, and was recently elevated to assistant night manager)–won the “Name a New Holiday Competition” sponsored by the Clifton Chamber of Commerce. “I just think it would be really cool to have a wet t shirt contest at the mall in January. That would make people buy s–t, for sure,” stated Ms. Glynbourne who hopes to return to Clifton Community College to finish her degree in forensic psychology. Miss Evangeline Thornhill, Ernestine’s former English teacher at Clifton High has filed a formal complaint at the Clifton Courthouse. “A wet t shirt contest is in poor taste, to say the least. And I don’t think it shows our great city in the best light. Besides, Ernestine never could spell properly, and I don’t think she should be encouraged in any way,” added Miss Thornhill.

A wet t shirt contest (in January) has been proposed as a way of promoting business in Clifton.

Danny Murmel (12) was the runner-up. He suggested a “Cifton Smash Up Car Derby” to take place either on Main Street downtown, or at one of the major malls. “Guys would totally come to watch old cars destroying each other. You know they’d want to buy t shirts afterwards. Who cares about about girls in wet t shirts? But I’ll want to buy one if has a car smash up on it.”

In a related story, the Assistant Comptroller Dave Boorstein, has announced that his six year old male tabby “Whippersnapper the Third” is looking for a mate. “I’m willing to offer up to $200 for a female cat who gets along with “Whip.” It’s sad to think of him home alone all day. Even cats have feelings. Maybe that should be the name of our next holiday,” he mused.

Mr. Whippersnapper the Third.

Kim Kardashian Causes Fender-Bender, Sequin-Shedding Expected, White Castle Extends Special Discount

FT. LEE, NEW JERSEY: Mayhem reigned briefly last night at 11:43 pm shortly before the ball was to fall in Times Square on New Years Eve. The altercation occurred on an exit ramp leading to the beloved George Washington Bridge, on the New Jersey side. A rumor had spread like wildfire via Twitter that American Superstar Kim Kardashian was going to appear at a pop-op club in the Bronx exactly at midnight.

A traffic jam understandably occurred as young men from all over the area attempted to speed to the pop-up club on the New York side of the bridge. Kardashian was reportedly going to appear, scantily attired in only a thong, the rest of her body covered in sequins glued to her body in strategic locations. Her act reportedly consisting of sliding down a two-story-tall fireman’s pole–then mounting a stage, and wiggling to the Lady Gaga dance hit, “Bad Romance.” Bets were taken on how many sequins would fall off.

Kim Kardashian: displaying some of her many charms.

“Holy sh–,” said “Dude” McCauley (14). “My life would be so totally rad if I could only hook-up with Kim. She is so hot.” “Yeah, that would be sweet, dude,” concurred “Slick” McGovern (15). “Kim would be totally into you. Everyone knows you rock, man.”

The police were called when a minor fender-bender happened between a late-model Lexus and and a thirty-five-year-old Camaro. “He thinks just because his dad is some rich lawyer in the city and he drives a Lexus that he can scrape the side of my Dad’s vintage car. I’m sick of rich kids making fun of my Dad’s car. Orange is my favorite color. And being a plumber is so much cooler than being a lawyer. Everyone knows lawyers are crooks,” ranted the young man in the Camaro, Vinnie Bronchino (18). Chad Galwaith (19), the driver of the Lexus answered, “And plumbers aren’t crooks?” They were then separated by four police officers from Fort Lee.

A local news team arrived to cover the event, and confirmed that the rumor on Twitter was a hoax. “How can that be, man?” asked “Dude” McCauley. “Everybody knows everything on Twitter is totally reliable.” Deflated, but still hungry, a large group of teens decided to visit the local White Castle where they were given a special group discount because of New Years Eve. The next special group discount scheduled for White Castle is on Valentine’s Day. “Maybe I can bring Kim,” said “Dude.”

Ft. Lee's White Castle Restaurant, where "Dude" hopes to bring Kim Kardashian.