“New Holiday Needed!” Clifton Assistant Comptroller Declares, Wet T Shirts Anticipated, Tabby Cat Lonely

CLIFTON, NEW JERSEY: “The problem with January is there is no official holiday. Let’s face it, we need one. Bank tellers and postal workers are exhausted by their work, and need a break in January after the holidays in December. Also, we need to give local merchants an excuse to have a sale. Holidays aren’t about family, they’re about moving merchandise and raising tax dollars for the great state of New Jersey,” opines the unusually candid Assistant Comptroller of Clifton, David Boorstein. [Wally, don’t mention that Dave was “in his cups” when he said this–]

The historic U.S. Animal Quarantine Station, in Clifton, New Jersey.

Local waitress Ernestine Glynbourne (a local legend–she’s worked five years at a regional Hooters franchise, and was recently elevated to assistant night manager)–won the “Name a New Holiday Competition” sponsored by the Clifton Chamber of Commerce. “I just think it would be really cool to have a wet t shirt contest at the mall in January. That would make people buy s–t, for sure,” stated Ms. Glynbourne who hopes to return to Clifton Community College to finish her degree in forensic psychology. Miss Evangeline Thornhill, Ernestine’s former English teacher at Clifton High has filed a formal complaint at the Clifton Courthouse. “A wet t shirt contest is in poor taste, to say the least. And I don’t think it shows our great city in the best light. Besides, Ernestine never could spell properly, and I don’t think she should be encouraged in any way,” added Miss Thornhill.

A wet t shirt contest (in January) has been proposed as a way of promoting business in Clifton.

Danny Murmel (12) was the runner-up. He suggested a “Cifton Smash Up Car Derby” to take place either on Main Street downtown, or at one of the major malls. “Guys would totally come to watch old cars destroying each other. You know they’d want to buy t shirts afterwards. Who cares about about girls in wet t shirts? But I’ll want to buy one if has a car smash up on it.”

In a related story, the Assistant Comptroller Dave Boorstein, has announced that his six year old male tabby “Whippersnapper the Third” is looking for a mate. “I’m willing to offer up to $200 for a female cat who gets along with “Whip.” It’s sad to think of him home alone all day. Even cats have feelings. Maybe that should be the name of our next holiday,” he mused.

Mr. Whippersnapper the Third.

PHOTO FLASH: New Jersey Life Captured in Priceless Ditgital Images

SOUTH ORANGE, NEW JERSEY: It’s two-thirds of the way through July. Time for an emotional journey through this month, in digital photos. Who knew so much could happen so quickly in beautiful and charming Northern New Jersey? It makes a hardened reporter almost tearful to look at these images, and realize how quickly life passes by. Carpe Diem!

The exciting new stop light in Passiac, New Jersey!

“Mildred,” who was trapped in a storm drain in Maplewood–ouch! (She’s ok now!)

Embroidery at the Montclair Arts and Craft Fair. Can you believe the craftsmanship???

Ridgefield’s Elizabeth Benton Townsend’s famous chocolate bundt cake. Yum! Yum!

An adorable young squirrel in Glen Rock. Can you believe how cute?

Lady Gaga, who needs no introduction. We can’t all be her, but we can try!

Poached Salmon Served Post-Trauma; Shirtless Hero Feted

MAPLEWOOD, NEW JERSEY: Panic reigned briefly on Broad Street, between Paterson and Main [Wally–add color map here] when a cat was trapped in a storm drain.

The offending storm drain where the cat was trapped. Poor Kitty!!

Mrs. Leonard Whittelstein, the owner of the cat, was described by concerned on-lookers as “distraught.” “I thought we were going to lose her there for a minute,” said James Cretin (72), a long-time neighbor. “Her family was always a little strange.” [possibly add Whittelstein family tree?]

Rescue came in the form of an unusually long broom. “Uhh–I remembered it from the garage. And thought it would work,” said Ken Davenport (16), now a local hero. (female readers may be interested in Ken’s Facebook page, which features several shirtless photos).

Davenport inadvertently poked the cat “Mildred” in the eye, which made her scream, and run out of the drain.

Mrs. Whittelstein says she plans to feed Mildred her favorite meal tonight–poached salmon, with wild rice, and a side salad of 3 different types of lettuce. (anyone wanting the recipe  can contact Mrs. Whittelstein at leowhit@gmail.com).

“Mildred,” the traumatized cat.