CLIFTON, NEW JERSEY: “The problem with January is there is no official holiday. Let’s face it, we need one. Bank tellers and postal workers are exhausted by their work, and need a break in January after the holidays in December. Also, we need to give local merchants an excuse to have a sale. Holidays aren’t about family, they’re about moving merchandise and raising tax dollars for the great state of New Jersey,” opines the unusually candid Assistant Comptroller of Clifton, David Boorstein. [Wally, don’t mention that Dave was “in his cups” when he said this–]
The historic U.S. Animal Quarantine Station, in Clifton, New Jersey.
Local waitress Ernestine Glynbourne (a local legend–she’s worked five years at a regional Hooters franchise, and was recently elevated to assistant night manager)–won the “Name a New Holiday Competition” sponsored by the Clifton Chamber of Commerce. “I just think it would be really cool to have a wet t shirt contest at the mall in January. That would make people buy s–t, for sure,” stated Ms. Glynbourne who hopes to return to Clifton Community College to finish her degree in forensic psychology. Miss Evangeline Thornhill, Ernestine’s former English teacher at Clifton High has filed a formal complaint at the Clifton Courthouse. “A wet t shirt contest is in poor taste, to say the least. And I don’t think it shows our great city in the best light. Besides, Ernestine never could spell properly, and I don’t think she should be encouraged in any way,” added Miss Thornhill.
A wet t shirt contest (in January) has been proposed as a way of promoting business in Clifton.
Danny Murmel (12) was the runner-up. He suggested a “Cifton Smash Up Car Derby” to take place either on Main Street downtown, or at one of the major malls. “Guys would totally come to watch old cars destroying each other. You know they’d want to buy t shirts afterwards. Who cares about about girls in wet t shirts? But I’ll want to buy one if has a car smash up on it.”
In a related story, the Assistant Comptroller Dave Boorstein, has announced that his six year old male tabby “Whippersnapper the Third” is looking for a mate. “I’m willing to offer up to $200 for a female cat who gets along with “Whip.” It’s sad to think of him home alone all day. Even cats have feelings. Maybe that should be the name of our next holiday,” he mused.
Mr. Whippersnapper the Third.
Buzzy Widewheeler: the best darned journalist in Northern New Jersey 