TENTH ANNUAL GRAVY SPITTING CONTEST HUGE SUCCESS, POSTIVE ATTITUDE ALWAYS WINS

PARAMUS, NEW JERSEY: The Tenth Annual Paramus Gravy Spitting Contest was a rousing success at the Paramus Supermall this year. This now beloved tradition was started by Harriet P. Blumacker, who was at the contest as a special honored guest. In explaining how she started this post-Thanksgiving funfest, Ms. Blumacker (97 years young–isn’t she amazing?!) stated in front of a packed crowd, “Well, years ago, it was the weekend after Thanksgiving. And what are you going to do with all that gloppy gravy? I decided the only thing to do was to spit it as far as possible.”

                Mrs. Blumacker’s famous gravy, served on top of biscuits–yum yum!

“What makes my gravy special is I add bittersweet chocolate, chocolate chips, and bacon bits–not those things you buy at the store. I fry up my own bacon. It makes it interesting when you spit it. The bacon bits are little bit like shrapnel. It hurts when it hits you,” she added informatively.

                           Female contestants in the annual Gravy Spitting Contest.

A minor altercation broke out in the middle of the competition. “Women always win the contest. It’s so not fair,” complained Butch C. Reebocker (14). “Ever since the mayor said women should wear bathing suits, they always win. Men are really good spitters too. I’m thinking of starting a male-only spitting contest in Ho-Ho-Kus.”

Order was quickly restored when Rev. Chester Whitestone II (of near by St. James’ parish) said a nondenominational prayer/meditation, asking “Universal Life Energy” to help all the contestants, and reminding the crowd that “winning is not the most important thing, a positive mental attitude is.”

Susie Wheeler (38DD, 23, 36) of Hackensack was the winner of spitting contest, propelling the gravy an amazing six yards. “I play the trumpet. I can shoot spit across six states,” she stated flatly before accepting her trophy, a Sterling (plated) gravy boat in the shape of horse (the New Jersey State Animal). [Wally add photo of gravy boat here]

The Star Bangled Banner was sung by Melissa Kissneer (12) and she only cracked once. This was followed by dancing, with music provided by DJ Sistah Maureen. [Wally, don’t mention police were called at 3 am]

              The happy crowd danced the night away, after spitting out their gravy.