PATERSON, NEW JERSEY: The Paterson New Jersey Super Supermall broke a long-standing New Jersey record for earliest Christmas display. Their gigantic Christmas tree went up two days before Labor Day, when temperatures were still in the high 90s.
The Paterson Mall Christmas tree. You can hardly tell it’s imitation.
“We fully intend to have our Christmas tree up the longest of any Supermall in the great state of New Jersey,” intoned Cheswick K. Knickerbocker III, whose family owns a slew of Supermalls and strip malls all across the state. “Christmas is what this great country, and this great state, is all about. We wish it would be Christmas every day of the year,” said Mr. Knickerbocker, right before he had his photograph taken with Zenelle Jameson (21), who was named “Miss Paterson Supermall of 2011.” “We will not take that tree down until after Memorial Day,” Mr. Knickerbocker pledged. “That is so rad,” added Ms. Jameson.
Mrs. (“Buffy”) Kickerbocker was on hand to promote her personal pet project, “Save the Muskrats Now!” “People so don’t understand what a muskrat is. They think it’s some kind of real rat! That’s so far from the truth–it makes me feel really sad. They don’t know how important they are to the food chain in North America. It’s really true! I read it online on the Encyclopedia Britannica site!” added Mrs. Kickerbocker, an attractive auburn-haired horsewoman, who sported an outfit from Coach. “Don’t tell my husband. I bought it at one of those cut-rate malls off the turnpike.”
Have you considered adopting a muskrat? Many are available at your local ASPCA.
The afternoon ended on a high note, with Ms. Jameson displaying her prowess as a Class A baton twirler. “It was my ‘talent’ at the Miss Paterson Junior Miss Pageant last year. Baton twirling is so what this country is about. Especially when the batons are on fire. It’s about movement, and freedom, and you might die any minute.” [Wally–add a link here to the history of baton twirling]
Flaming baton twirling: dangerous to the twirler, and the audience. But so worth it!
Buzzy Widewheeler: the best darned journalist in Northern New Jersey 