JONAS BROTHERS VISIT JERSEY SHORE (WE HOPE AND PRAY!), CANDY ENDORSED FOR PERFECT HEALTH, BALLET SLIPPERS STRENGTHEN CALF MUSCLES IT IS CLAIMED

JERSEY SHORE, NEW JERSEY: Hold onto your hats, ladies, it’s been unofficially announced, (Shhh!! Not official yet!)–that New Jersey’s very own Jonas Brothers may be performing a concert at the shore to benefit the “Stop Making Fun of My State Club,” which is based in Summit, New Jersey.

Those devastating Jonas boys, looking oh so serious, in a photo-op with former Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne. See??? The Jonas brothers can look very serious. (They have lots of hair, don’t they???)

“Oh my *od! I’m gonna die! They are so *od*amned cute!” said Fenesha Worstoon (13). “I’m staying up all night in a sleeping bag to make sure I get a seat at the benefit!” Her mother, Tiffany Worstoon added, “Me too.”

Who can resist Jersey boys in sleeveless t shirts, surrounded by fire???

The Jonas Brothers latest smash hit song is called Taffy.Purely coincidentally, they have started endorsing Jonas Brothers Multi-Flavored Taffy that will be sold exclusively at Cracker Barrels all over the country!!!

It has been proven scientifically that taffy strengthens the muscles of the jaw. The famous fitness guru Jack LaLanne, right before he died, recommended eating taffy daily to strengthen the sternocleidomastoid muscles. (That’s the front of your neck. Cool, huh??? Eat candy to gain muscle mass!!!)

Jack LaLanne: he insists you eat candy every day to help build muscle!! We miss you, Jack!!! (And I’m diggin’ those ballet slippers you’re wearing! Bet the Jonas Brothers wouldn’t have the guts to wear ’em!!!)

CHEST HAIR SIGHTINGS APPALL NORTHERN JERSEY–SOME WOMEN CONSIDERING LYSISTRATA-TYPE BAN, TANNING SALON BOOKED SOLID WITH APPOINTMENTS

WEST NEW YORK: Northern New Jersey women are rebelling at a sudden surge in men displaying their chest hair, with dress shirts unbuttoned dangerously low.

What makes men want to flaunt themselves??? Northern New Jersey women want to know!!!

“Do men really think we want to see their chest hair?” complained Reneatha Crombull. “Do they really think it’s sexy? It makes me want to take out a bottle of Clorox and pour it all over their chests. It’s not hygienic!”

“Even Spanish dancers, if they’re decent, cover up that d**n hair,” fumed Crombull.

“Look,” said Mildred Whackwetter, mother of seven, and Reneatha’s business partner, “men have been shaving and and waxing for the last 20 years. Do you watch tv? Do you watch film? There is not one professional actor with any hair anywhere–except on top of his head! And that’s what I want to see in Northern New Jersey too! Chest hair is not decent!!!”

You don’t want to look like Mark Twain shirtless, do you, guys??? “Ugh!!!” say the women of Northern New Jersey!!

Former president Gerald Ford as a young man: football star, shirtless, and not a hair anywhere on his body!!! (He’s not even sucking in his gut!) Take note, guys–and follow Gerry’s example!! Wax it all off, and watch the women flock to your door!!!

Reneatha Crombull’s tanning salon on 347 1/2 Main Street in West New York. Attention, gentlemen: Reneatha can discreetly remove all unhygienic and unwanted hair from your body. Shhh!!! She won’t tell a soul, so you won’t be labelled an “aesthete!!!”

PHOTO FLASH: New Jersey Life Captured in Priceless Digital Images!!!

SOUTH ORANGE, NEW JERSEY: It’s a new month: a new season!!! Time for an emotional visual recap of September, in digital photos. Let’s take a quick journey through some of our “hottest stories.” Who knew so much could happen so quickly in beautiful and charming Northern New Jersey??? It makes a hardened reporter almost tearful to look at these images, and realize how quickly life passes by! Carpe Diem!

 

Some of the lovely New Jersey “belles” who have benefited from George Clooney’s “largesse!” (We all know what that means, don’t we, ladies!!!)

Beyonce! The unconfirmed hostess of “The Housewives of Chatham, New Jersey!!!” She sings, she wiggles, she interviews–is there no end to her talent????

Why pay for expensive child care??? Why not have your child’s teeth fixed for a super-super low price, while you have fun and cavort at the Paramus Super Mall??? Dental surgery doesn’t cost that much more than a babysitter when you have the right coupon!!!

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg!!! Some people say she’s the sexiest Supreme Court Justice alive!!!

“New Jersey Idol” Announced! White Chocolate Frosting Amazes! Anderson Cooper Emailed!!!!

WEEHAWKEN, NEW JERSEY: In an exclusive story, we are proud to announce the commencement of an exciting new cable show on the “New Jersey Now!” cable channel that serves over 3,400 people in Northern New Jersey!! (Who knows how big  it will grow in the future?!?)

Building on the success of the tv sensation AMERICAN IDOL, famed local choreographer Tenille Whipple, of Hoboken, is producing NEW JERSEY IDOL!!!

St. Thomas Episcopal Church in Weekhawken has generously donated its lovely community room in the basement for the first episode of NEW JERSEY IDOL!! (It’s convenient for the audience to become familiar with this shelter, which is where Weehawken residents should go in case of nuclear attack. But there is a stage we can all perform on!!!!)

Tenille is a local luminary, famous as the choreographer of “The Teddy Bear Follies” at the Hoboken YMCA. (See July’s related story.)

Tenille’s planned warm-up act for NEW JERSEY IDOL!!! (Tenille is building on her mammoth success with “The Teddy Bear Follies” at the Hoboken YMCA–see http://www.ymcahoboken.com to sign your child up for this semester’s Teddy Bear Pilates classes!!)

It’s Tenille’s dream to get ANDERSON COOPER to host the show!!! (Please contact Tenille if anybody has Anderson’s personal email address!)

Anderson Cooper!!!! (Down, ladies, down!!)

Tenille’s 99 year old grandma, Tacoma, baked this delicious cake for the occasion. “I call it my white chocolate-fudge-frosting cake, which what it’s stuffed with. Why bother with actually putting cake in cake, when you can make it 100% frosting?” Isn’t she amazing?!? And still baking at 99!!!! [Wally–get a flattering photo of Tacoma, and add. She says she’s still interested in dating if you’re interested]

Joan Collins Drops Pounds! Doggies Too? Why Not Join The “Brisk Walk Craze” and Increase Your Sexiness Quotient???

WEEHAKEN, NEW JERSEY: Why not lose unneeded pounds taking three brisk walks each day?

Why not take a sensible brisk walk with your dogs each morning??? Lose those unwanted, and unhealthy pounds!!!

Doctors recommend using walking sticks to help improve balance! And to reduce the possibility of unwanted falls!!

Why not purchase chic and practical walking sticks???  Improve balance, posture, and gait! What could be better???

Being of British extraction, Joan Collins firmly believes in taking several brisk walks a day. (In addition to plenty of fresh air, and taking cold showers!) Joan likes to look glamorous at all times. Here she is, in her special designed Ruby Red walking-gown!!!

Lady Gaga swears by walking! (And a number of other things we can’t mention in a family publication . . . ) She says it keeps her thin, and “desirable!” There you go, ladies!!

Lady Gaga always moves her arms while walking briskly, to burn extra calories! And she always has dry ice follow her, whereever she goes. Just because it’s fun!!!

Why not have a healthy snack after your brisk walk? But not too many calories! You don’t want to undo what you just walked off!!

Doggie treats! Low-calorie!! And if they’re good enough for Fido, they’re good enough for you! Eat up! Yum yum!!!

Vote In The “Who Is The Sexiest Supreme Court Justice Alive Contest!!!” Win Valuable Prizes!!!

TEANECK, NEW JERSEY: The Chamber of Commerce of Teaneck, New Jersey proudly announces its “First Annual Who Is The Sexiest Supreme Court Justice Alive Contest!!!”

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg!!! Some people say she’s the sexiest Supreme Court Justice alive!!!

Due to popular demand, the City Council of Teaneck, New Jersey has organized this exciting and unique contest. The City Council is hoping to lure the nominated Supreme Court Justices to Teaneck to this world-class event! [Wally–do we know anyone who knows the Justices personally? And can we email them?]

Justice Sonia Sotomayor!! Could she be the sexiest Supreme Court Justice alive?? You decide!!!

The New Jersey-ite who comes with the largest party of people, and places the largest number of votes will win unbelievable and awesome prizes! (Dinner for two at Wally Kreibman’s diner next to the Court House in Teaneck, where he will present the winner with an ultra-special “Romantic Supreme Dinner.” Featuring super-special music–everyone’s favorite retro-singing group–The Supremes!!!)

The Supremes!!! [Wally–do you think we could get the Supremes to come to Teaneck???]

Justice Antonin Scalia–is he the “Sexiest Supreme Court Justice Alive???” You decide!!

The “Pucker Your Lips” Contest–At the Paramus Super Mall! Call Your Surgeon Today!

PARAMUS, NEW JERSEY: Come enter the “2nd Annual Pucker Your Lips Contest”–at the Paramus Super Mall this Sunday! The lady with the best pucker will win a year’s supply of Mac’s Strawberry Lip Gloss! [Wally–enter Super Mall and Mac logos here] The poster child for puckers everywhere is, of course, Angelina Jolie! Think of her, when you’re puckering, ladies!!

Angelina never has to pucker–she is puckered permanently! Even in her sleep–we have it on good authority. From whom? Shh! We’re not saying!

A classic is always a classic, especially when it’s a classic pucker!–

Just take a look at that “classic pucker!” On Shirley Temple, not Eleanor Roosevelt!! (Is it just me, or does it look like Eleanor has “had a few,” here???)

Then, there is the “ever-present” Kim Kardashian!!!–

I know it’s hard to keep your eyes in the right place, but look at the lips–the lips!!

Even some men have a special pucker. They somehow “wear it well.” For instance, what about this pucker???

Those are lips many women would pay to have! (And do!) Who’s are they?–

Justin Beiber of course!!! America’s #1 hearthrob singer–owner of the perfect “male pucker!!!” (Ask for it at your plastic surgeon today!) And don’t forget to “practice your pucker!!!”

Why Not Amaze Your Friends? Adopt A Baby Elephant!

NEWARK, NEW JERSEY: Why not amaze your friends, and adopt a baby elephant???

A little baby elephant: the perfect pet–he won’t make any trouble at all!! (And he’ll try not to grow!)

The Newark Zoo is having to cut back because of severe budget problems. (Uh oh!) So they are looking for a Good Samaritan to take in this little baby elephant (Sergio–cute name!) temporarily. It’s illegal, so shh! The zoo is also looking for a foster family to take in a number of deadly boa constrictors. (The zoo thinks it’s more prudent if you don’t have children or small pets in your home. Better safe than, etc etc. etc. Mother-in-Laws are ok!–Just kidding!!)

Why not adopt a deadly boa constrictor from the Newark Zoo? You can help them out with their budget woes, and have a great conversation starter in your home!

For the first three families that adopt boa constrictors, the Zoo will throw in a special bonus:

For every boa constrictor you adopt, the Zoo will throw in a dozen toads–free!!! Hard to resist. Contact the zoo today!!! [Wally–add zoo email address here. The Amphibian Department]

Real Housewives of Chatham New Jersey On Rampage, Singing Sensation Brought Aboard to Mediate

CHATHAM, NEW JERSEY: The “Real Housewives” television franchise continues to expand, to the delight and dismay of millions of Americans. [Wally–add their logo here]. The newest eagerly-awaited installment is “The Real Housewives of Chatham, New Jersey.”

Photos, from top to bottom: the lovely and historic post office in Chatham. The outside and inside of the historic Presbyterian Church, site of their famous “Sanctuary Music Series.”

“This show is going to awesome! Full of mayhem, deceit, and revenge!” promised the show’s producer, “Ayrah.” “Ayrah” has no last name, “like Beyonce,” whom the 22 year old producer hopes to get to host the tv series.

Beyonce! The unconfirmed hostess of “The Housewives of Chatham, New Jersey!!!”

‘I don’t know why they’re going to make a show about Chatham. It’s so boring!” whined Sabrina Freeman (14). “Precisely! That’s exactly why we moved here. I don’t want mayhem and deceit in my town! I have enough of that at my job in the city!” added her mother, Elaine Freeman, who works in New York City for the Parks Department. The tv show debuts next week.

When reached for comment about “The Housewives of Chatham, New Jersey,” Beyonce’s personal manager answered with the expected, “No comment.” However, she did confirm that Beyonce is considering becoming the “spokesperson” for the exciting Walgreen’s chain, seen above in a glamorous night time photo.

Mars Bars–reportedly Beyonce’s favorite snack–available at all Walgreens!! Taste the goodness!!!

Why not deep fry your Mars Bars?!? Good–and good for you!! (For a healthier snack, use low-fat oil when deep frying . . . )

Newsflash: George Clooney Aids Ailing Starlets, No Truth to the Bathroom Rumor

PRINCETON, NEW JERSEY: Shh! The rumor mills slipped out today that everyone’s favorite handsome movie star George Clooney will be appearing at Princeton University this weekend to speak to the issue, “The Art of Being Suave!”

George Clooney, the suavest guy on the planet–for sure!

Clooney is reportedly giving his speech (the topic of which he has surely lived to the fullest, for at least four decades!!) to benefit his personal charity, “The Star Bright Foundation,” which aids gorgeous Hollywood starlets when they fall on hard times.

Some of the ladies who have benefited from the largesse of the Star Bright Foundation: Ah to be a Starlet, when George is in bloom!

As we all know, Mr. Clooney is always interested in serious philanthropic work. Reportedly he is starting another foundation, the “Double Dutch/Double Fun Foundation.” Apparently, George is afraid the art of double dutch jump roping he enjoyed as a child will be lost as an American art form, and he wants to preserve it. Excellent idea!

Double Dutch, as it was practiced in the youth of Mr. George Clooney.

Clooney’s long-time publicist stoutly denies the rumor that George will be shooting a commercial for Charmin Ultra-Soft Bathroom Tissue next month, to be shown only in the Asian market. “Everyone knows that George doesn’t speak Cantonese any more,” his representative snorted.

Charmin Ultra-Soft Bathroom Tissue: preferred by millions!!! (Including George Clooney, some maintain!!!)