FT. LEE, NEW JERSEY: Mayhem reigned briefly last night at 11:43 pm shortly before the ball was to fall in Times Square on New Years Eve. The altercation occurred on an exit ramp leading to the beloved George Washington Bridge, on the New Jersey side. A rumor had spread like wildfire via Twitter that American Superstar Kim Kardashian was going to appear at a pop-op club in the Bronx exactly at midnight.
A traffic jam understandably occurred as young men from all over the area attempted to speed to the pop-up club on the New York side of the bridge. Kardashian was reportedly going to appear, scantily attired in only a thong, the rest of her body covered in sequins glued to her body in strategic locations. Her act reportedly consisting of sliding down a two-story-tall fireman’s pole–then mounting a stage, and wiggling to the Lady Gaga dance hit, “Bad Romance.” Bets were taken on how many sequins would fall off.
Kim Kardashian: displaying some of her many charms.
“Holy sh–,” said “Dude” McCauley (14). “My life would be so totally rad if I could only hook-up with Kim. She is so hot.” “Yeah, that would be sweet, dude,” concurred “Slick” McGovern (15). “Kim would be totally into you. Everyone knows you rock, man.”
The police were called when a minor fender-bender happened between a late-model Lexus and and a thirty-five-year-old Camaro. “He thinks just because his dad is some rich lawyer in the city and he drives a Lexus that he can scrape the side of my Dad’s vintage car. I’m sick of rich kids making fun of my Dad’s car. Orange is my favorite color. And being a plumber is so much cooler than being a lawyer. Everyone knows lawyers are crooks,” ranted the young man in the Camaro, Vinnie Bronchino (18). Chad Galwaith (19), the driver of the Lexus answered, “And plumbers aren’t crooks?” They were then separated by four police officers from Fort Lee.
A local news team arrived to cover the event, and confirmed that the rumor on Twitter was a hoax. “How can that be, man?” asked “Dude” McCauley. “Everybody knows everything on Twitter is totally reliable.” Deflated, but still hungry, a large group of teens decided to visit the local White Castle where they were given a special group discount because of New Years Eve. The next special group discount scheduled for White Castle is on Valentine’s Day. “Maybe I can bring Kim,” said “Dude.”
Ft. Lee's White Castle Restaurant, where "Dude" hopes to bring Kim Kardashian.
Buzzy Widewheeler: the best darned journalist in Northern New Jersey 