Valentine’s Day Celebrations Cancelled, Giant Donut Erected, Dixie Chicks Rumored to Love Paterson

PATERSON, NEW JERSEY: The town selectmen of Paterson have tentatively announced cancelling Valentine’s Day celebrations. “We just can’t afford the decorations this year. These are really tough economic times. We have to look at every line item,” explained Henri Wolowski, the selectman spokesperson. Paterson is famous throughout Northeastern New Jersey, in fact, throughout the tri-state area, for its extensive and tasteful Valentine’s Day decorations.

Krispy Kreme has donated a giant donut in the shape of a heart to be mounted on the front of CIty Hall.

“I don’t know what the world is coming to if we can’t celebrate our national holidays like we should. It isn’t a good example for our children!” opined Mrs. Ernestine Broadwat. [Wally–should we mention Valentine’s Day isn’t national holiday?] “We should cut the fat out of our school budgets. So much money is wasted on theater, music, painting, drawing and all that kind of cr–. Everybody knows art is a waste of time. Schools should focus on what really matters, and what will help our children in the real world, like teaching them Facebook,” continued Mrs. Broadwat.

A small and peaceful protest broke out spontaneously in front of City Hall this morning, when three office workers were outside smoking on their break. They wrote “Free Valentine’s Day” on their Starbucks paper coffee cups, and briefly chanted “Shall We Gather At the River.” When asked why that famous American gospel song, they replied they all knew it: at least the first two lines.

Local merchants are showing true Paterson spirit, by stepping up to the plate, even when local government falls short. Krispy Kreme is donated a giant donut in the shape of a heart. The two-story-high donut will be mounted on the front of City Hall at a special midnight ceremony on Valentine’s Day Eve. There is an exciting rumor that the Dixie Chicks will reunite for a one-time-only special concert. Selectman Woloski recalled  that one of the Dixie Chick’s Lexus broke down in Paterson on her way to a concert in Princeton several years ago, and said Paterson was “a very nice town, no matter what anybody says.”

In related news Selectman Woloki’s daughter “Blaze” has been chosen as a semi-finalist on American Idol! The town of Paterson is in an uproar. The board of selectman have already agreed to a ticker-tape parade [Wally–the selectman asked where they could get tickertape] and a “Welcome Home, Blaze” celebration if Ms. Woloki wins in the finals at American Idol! Go Blaze!!!

Ticker Tape Parade possible for Paterson. Said to be very good for business!

“New Jersey Idol” Announced! White Chocolate Frosting Amazes! Anderson Cooper Emailed!!!!

WEEHAWKEN, NEW JERSEY: In an exclusive story, we are proud to announce the commencement of an exciting new cable show on the “New Jersey Now!” cable channel that serves over 3,400 people in Northern New Jersey!! (Who knows how big  it will grow in the future?!?)

Building on the success of the tv sensation AMERICAN IDOL, famed local choreographer Tenille Whipple, of Hoboken, is producing NEW JERSEY IDOL!!!

St. Thomas Episcopal Church in Weekhawken has generously donated its lovely community room in the basement for the first episode of NEW JERSEY IDOL!! (It’s convenient for the audience to become familiar with this shelter, which is where Weehawken residents should go in case of nuclear attack. But there is a stage we can all perform on!!!!)

Tenille is a local luminary, famous as the choreographer of “The Teddy Bear Follies” at the Hoboken YMCA. (See July’s related story.)

Tenille’s planned warm-up act for NEW JERSEY IDOL!!! (Tenille is building on her mammoth success with “The Teddy Bear Follies” at the Hoboken YMCA–see http://www.ymcahoboken.com to sign your child up for this semester’s Teddy Bear Pilates classes!!)

It’s Tenille’s dream to get ANDERSON COOPER to host the show!!! (Please contact Tenille if anybody has Anderson’s personal email address!)

Anderson Cooper!!!! (Down, ladies, down!!)

Tenille’s 99 year old grandma, Tacoma, baked this delicious cake for the occasion. “I call it my white chocolate-fudge-frosting cake, which what it’s stuffed with. Why bother with actually putting cake in cake, when you can make it 100% frosting?” Isn’t she amazing?!? And still baking at 99!!!! [Wally–get a flattering photo of Tacoma, and add. She says she’s still interested in dating if you’re interested]