Christmas Lights Offend, Egg Nog Restores, Dancing Reported Good for “Heart Health”

RIDGEWOOD, NEW JERSEY: The Ridgewood Neighborhood Watch were called early this afternoon to calm a brief family altercation. “My husband is such an idiot. It’s the day after Christmas. Everybody knows you’re supposed to return all the s— you don’t want, and buy even more stuff on sale. This is America, for cripes sake! We buy stuff! That’s what makes America great!” stated Anna Maria Consuelo of Ridgewood. “Her values are totally wrong. This is Christmas–the holiday season! It’s not about shopping, it’s about watching sports!” asserted her husband, Edoardo Consuelo.

The Conseulo home, decorated for Christmas.

A neighbor, Miss Abigail Thrushbottom, was responsible for calling the neighborhood watch association. “One doesn’t want to call the police. That goes on the permanent record. I don’t want to take any action that devalues the value of our homes. On the other hand, I don’t want people I wouldn’t invite to dinner screaming at the tops of their voices either,” sniffed Miss Thrushbottom.

Neighbors gathered outside the Conseulo home while waiting for the neighborhood watch. [Wally–add website for watch here] Goodies left over from Christmas were shared, and it was generally acknowledged that Miss Thrushbottom’s Genovese Layer Cake was the “winner” of the occasion. “I generally don’t like Italian people,” asserted Ms. Thrushbottom, apparently never hearing of political correctness. (She is 97 years young. Isn’t that amazing??) “But they certainly know how to make a layer cake,” Ms. Thrushbottom added approvingly.

Miss Thrushbottom's delicious rum cake. Yum, yum!

All was forgiven, when the Conseulos brought a heavily-spiked egg nog out to their neighbors, and everyone got tipsy pretty quickly. The Conseulos turned up their outdoor sound system, which is automatically timed with the flashing lights on their home. Soon everyone was dancing to the vintage hit “It’s Raining Men!” An impromptu block party sprang up because of the unseasonably warm temperatures. Miss Thrushbottom briefly considered calling the neighborhood watch again because of the noise. But after 5 large glasses of egg nog, she didn’t seem to mind the noise at all. All’s Well That Ends Well, as Charles Dickens said!

The impromptu block party is still going on, thanks to the Conseulos' egg nog!!

Pandemonium When Starlet Appears: Paramus Will Never Be the Same

PARAMUS, NEW JERSEY: Rising starlet, Samantha Safford, star of the Reality TV sensation I Spent A Year Helping Those Less Privileged in a Third World Country, “cut the red ribbon” on the giant new Bed Bath & Beyond store at the Paramus Super Mall yesterday at one pm, Eastern Standard Time (EST).

Paramus Super Mall: the site of pandemonium, caused by Samantha’s loved-crazed fans.

Paramus police were paid overtime, and reinforcements called in from Ho-Ho-Kus and Ridgewood, in an attempt to contain the out-of-control mob. It was a mad scene with kleig lights (although it was broad daylight), crazed-authograph-seeking-fans, and the starlet’s personal preacher, The Reverend Mother Eubetha LeMonde. “I never travel anywhere without my personal preacher,” intoned Safford solemnly. “I thank God for my personal success. Mother Eubetha helps keep me grounded.”

Samantha’s birthplace reflects her humble beginnings.

Safford is the first actress (or “actor,” as she prefers to be called) to have her “booty” insured for one billion dollars by Lloyds of London. “We are pleased to insure any part of Ms. Safford’s anatomy,” stated an unnamed Lloyds’ official.

“Look, *****,” Ms. Safford said to a female reporter, “You can talk me down for taking off my clothes, and dancing on the roof of my Hummer, but I know deep inside of me, who I am.”

Next up for Ms. Safford is a musical remake of the classic film Lassie Come Home. Ms. Safford will be playing the (young) mother, and owner of Lassie. Inside sources claim that Ms. Safford is being considered as one of the next United Nations Goodwill Ambassadors. (see http://www.samanthasaffordsizzles.com)

Samantha Safford’s lovely new home in Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey.

Pigeon-Feeding Sparks Controversy in Ho-ho-kus; Agnostics Displeased

HO-HO-KUS, NEW JERSEY: Pigeon-feeding was the cause of an altercation on the steps of City Hall today. “It clearly states, on an easily-read sign, that there is to be no feeding of pigeons,” said Miss Edith Stillwater (93). A former teacher of English in Ridgewood, her enunciation was precise, her posture admirable. [Wally–for more on posture, see the Alexander Technique–http://www.stat.org.uk/%5D “That old battle-ax can go to ****,” stated Corrine Waters (37). “Just because her family has owned half of New Jersey since the 1700s, doesn’t mean she can tell me what to do.” Luckily, Rev. Wallace Stonington, the pastor of the local Episcopal Church, was on the steps (www.episcopalianprincplesprevail.net), and appealed to the womens’ better natures. “We’re all God’s children,” Rev. Stonington reminded them. Ms. Waters was reported to have muttered, under her breath, “That’s a matter of opinion.” [–see link to http://www.agnosticsanonymous.org].

The altercation-causing pigeons. A nuisance–but awfully cute!

F.M. Alexander: the inventor of The Alexander Technique. Stand taller, breathe deeper, move more freely: “Check it out!”

Ridgewood High School: where Miss Stillwater taught for many years. Bring back memories???

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