Valentine’s Day Celebrations Cancelled, Giant Donut Erected, Dixie Chicks Rumored to Love Paterson

PATERSON, NEW JERSEY: The town selectmen of Paterson have tentatively announced cancelling Valentine’s Day celebrations. “We just can’t afford the decorations this year. These are really tough economic times. We have to look at every line item,” explained Henri Wolowski, the selectman spokesperson. Paterson is famous throughout Northeastern New Jersey, in fact, throughout the tri-state area, for its extensive and tasteful Valentine’s Day decorations.

Krispy Kreme has donated a giant donut in the shape of a heart to be mounted on the front of CIty Hall.

“I don’t know what the world is coming to if we can’t celebrate our national holidays like we should. It isn’t a good example for our children!” opined Mrs. Ernestine Broadwat. [Wally–should we mention Valentine’s Day isn’t national holiday?] “We should cut the fat out of our school budgets. So much money is wasted on theater, music, painting, drawing and all that kind of cr–. Everybody knows art is a waste of time. Schools should focus on what really matters, and what will help our children in the real world, like teaching them Facebook,” continued Mrs. Broadwat.

A small and peaceful protest broke out spontaneously in front of City Hall this morning, when three office workers were outside smoking on their break. They wrote “Free Valentine’s Day” on their Starbucks paper coffee cups, and briefly chanted “Shall We Gather At the River.” When asked why that famous American gospel song, they replied they all knew it: at least the first two lines.

Local merchants are showing true Paterson spirit, by stepping up to the plate, even when local government falls short. Krispy Kreme is donated a giant donut in the shape of a heart. The two-story-high donut will be mounted on the front of City Hall at a special midnight ceremony on Valentine’s Day Eve. There is an exciting rumor that the Dixie Chicks will reunite for a one-time-only special concert. Selectman Woloski recalled  that one of the Dixie Chick’s Lexus broke down in Paterson on her way to a concert in Princeton several years ago, and said Paterson was “a very nice town, no matter what anybody says.”

In related news Selectman Woloki’s daughter “Blaze” has been chosen as a semi-finalist on American Idol! The town of Paterson is in an uproar. The board of selectman have already agreed to a ticker-tape parade [Wally–the selectman asked where they could get tickertape] and a “Welcome Home, Blaze” celebration if Ms. Woloki wins in the finals at American Idol! Go Blaze!!!

Ticker Tape Parade possible for Paterson. Said to be very good for business!

CHRISTMAS TREE PREMATURE, MUSKRATS MISUNDERSTOOD, BATONS ON FIRE!

PATERSON, NEW JERSEY: The Paterson New Jersey Super Supermall broke a long-standing New Jersey record for earliest Christmas display. Their gigantic Christmas tree went up two days before Labor Day, when temperatures were still in the high 90s.

             The Paterson Mall Christmas tree. You can hardly tell it’s imitation.

“We fully intend to have our Christmas tree up the longest of any Supermall in the great state of New Jersey,” intoned Cheswick K. Knickerbocker III, whose family owns a slew of Supermalls and strip malls all across the state. “Christmas is what this great country, and this great state, is all about. We wish it would be Christmas every day of the year,” said Mr. Knickerbocker, right before he had his photograph taken with Zenelle Jameson (21), who was named “Miss Paterson Supermall of 2011.” “We will not take that tree down until after Memorial Day,” Mr. Knickerbocker pledged. “That is so rad,” added Ms. Jameson.

Mrs. (“Buffy”) Kickerbocker was on hand to promote her personal pet project, “Save the Muskrats Now!” “People so don’t understand what a muskrat is. They think it’s some kind of real rat! That’s so far from the truth–it makes me feel really sad. They don’t know how important they are to the food chain in North America. It’s really true! I read it online on the Encyclopedia Britannica site!” added Mrs. Kickerbocker, an attractive auburn-haired horsewoman, who sported an outfit from Coach. “Don’t tell my husband. I bought it at one of those cut-rate malls off the turnpike.”

Have you considered adopting a muskrat? Many are available at your local ASPCA.

The afternoon ended on a high note, with Ms. Jameson displaying her prowess as a Class A baton twirler. “It was my ‘talent’ at the Miss Paterson Junior Miss Pageant last year. Baton twirling is so what this country is about. Especially when the batons are on fire. It’s about movement, and freedom, and you might die any minute.” [Wally–add a link here to the history of baton twirling]

Flaming baton twirling: dangerous to the twirler, and the audience. But so worth it!