Kim Kardashian Causes Fender-Bender, Sequin-Shedding Expected, White Castle Extends Special Discount

FT. LEE, NEW JERSEY: Mayhem reigned briefly last night at 11:43 pm shortly before the ball was to fall in Times Square on New Years Eve. The altercation occurred on an exit ramp leading to the beloved George Washington Bridge, on the New Jersey side. A rumor had spread like wildfire via Twitter that American Superstar Kim Kardashian was going to appear at a pop-op club in the Bronx exactly at midnight.

A traffic jam understandably occurred as young men from all over the area attempted to speed to the pop-up club on the New York side of the bridge. Kardashian was reportedly going to appear, scantily attired in only a thong, the rest of her body covered in sequins glued to her body in strategic locations. Her act reportedly consisting of sliding down a two-story-tall fireman’s pole–then mounting a stage, and wiggling to the Lady Gaga dance hit, “Bad Romance.” Bets were taken on how many sequins would fall off.

Kim Kardashian: displaying some of her many charms.

“Holy sh–,” said “Dude” McCauley (14). “My life would be so totally rad if I could only hook-up with Kim. She is so hot.” “Yeah, that would be sweet, dude,” concurred “Slick” McGovern (15). “Kim would be totally into you. Everyone knows you rock, man.”

The police were called when a minor fender-bender happened between a late-model Lexus and and a thirty-five-year-old Camaro. “He thinks just because his dad is some rich lawyer in the city and he drives a Lexus that he can scrape the side of my Dad’s vintage car. I’m sick of rich kids making fun of my Dad’s car. Orange is my favorite color. And being a plumber is so much cooler than being a lawyer. Everyone knows lawyers are crooks,” ranted the young man in the Camaro, Vinnie Bronchino (18). Chad Galwaith (19), the driver of the Lexus answered, “And plumbers aren’t crooks?” They were then separated by four police officers from Fort Lee.

A local news team arrived to cover the event, and confirmed that the rumor on Twitter was a hoax. “How can that be, man?” asked “Dude” McCauley. “Everybody knows everything on Twitter is totally reliable.” Deflated, but still hungry, a large group of teens decided to visit the local White Castle where they were given a special group discount because of New Years Eve. The next special group discount scheduled for White Castle is on Valentine’s Day. “Maybe I can bring Kim,” said “Dude.”

Ft. Lee's White Castle Restaurant, where "Dude" hopes to bring Kim Kardashian.

The “Pucker Your Lips” Contest–At the Paramus Super Mall! Call Your Surgeon Today!

PARAMUS, NEW JERSEY: Come enter the “2nd Annual Pucker Your Lips Contest”–at the Paramus Super Mall this Sunday! The lady with the best pucker will win a year’s supply of Mac’s Strawberry Lip Gloss! [Wally–enter Super Mall and Mac logos here] The poster child for puckers everywhere is, of course, Angelina Jolie! Think of her, when you’re puckering, ladies!!

Angelina never has to pucker–she is puckered permanently! Even in her sleep–we have it on good authority. From whom? Shh! We’re not saying!

A classic is always a classic, especially when it’s a classic pucker!–

Just take a look at that “classic pucker!” On Shirley Temple, not Eleanor Roosevelt!! (Is it just me, or does it look like Eleanor has “had a few,” here???)

Then, there is the “ever-present” Kim Kardashian!!!–

I know it’s hard to keep your eyes in the right place, but look at the lips–the lips!!

Even some men have a special pucker. They somehow “wear it well.” For instance, what about this pucker???

Those are lips many women would pay to have! (And do!) Who’s are they?–

Justin Beiber of course!!! America’s #1 hearthrob singer–owner of the perfect “male pucker!!!” (Ask for it at your plastic surgeon today!) And don’t forget to “practice your pucker!!!”

Kim Kardashian Suffers From Rare Foot Disorder; New Jersey Suffers For Her

UNDISCLOSED NEW JERSEY LOCATION: For security reasons (which readers will certainly understand) it’s not possible to report which internationally-recognized New Jersey hospital Kim Kardashian has checked into. It has been erroneously reported elsewhere (warning: don’t read other publications or websites) that Kardashian was suffering from a chronic and possibly fatal case of Athlete’s Foot. “It’s these kind of vicious and gratuitous rumors that are purposefully planted by certain jealous individuals to sink star’s careers, and certainly sink their hearts!” exclaimed Kardashian’s long-time publicist. When this rumor broke, Kardashian’s mother, Kris Jenner, was so upset, she was unable to comment. [Wally–this is apparently a first]

Poor Kim Kardashian and mother in happier days . . .

Reliable sources explain that Kim suffers from a rare foot disorder that requires you to always pose with one foot in front of the other. It’s usually appears only in Hollywood starlets, ballet dancers, and celebrities famous for being famous. Apparently this makes it difficult for them to walk. “There’s a chance the condition could be corrected with radical surgery. There is never a guarantee, but it’s worth a shot. I’m sure Kim would like to be able to walk normally,” stated a New Jersey doctor uninvolved in the case. He spoke only under terms of anonymity.

Kim Kardashian displaying the rare foot disease which requires you to stand with one foot markedly in front of the other, unfortunately currently known as “Kardashian Disorder.” Apparently Kardashian is considering starting a charity to help others who suffer from this devastating condition.