WEEHAWKEN, NEW JERSEY: Medics needed to be called when a male contestant suddenly suffered a fainting attack during the “Twenty-Fifth Annual Weekhawken Cannoli Eating Contest” earlier today. The EMTs rushed Vinnie Francesco (43) to the Red Cross tent set up for today’s “Save the Weehawken Library” half-marathon. Mr. Francesco quickly recovered, and the EMT’s declared that the local carpenter/contractor had suffered a mild case of “sugar shock.” “He was always a wus,” remarked his wife of twenty years, Agostina Francesco (age not given). “This happens every year. He eats twenty-three cannolis in five minutes, and he wonders why he faints. He’s an idiot. What can I tell you? I married an idiot!”
Why not add cherries to the ends of your cannolis, for a cheerful Holiday treat?
Local readers are concerned that the local library will be razed, and a Taco Bell franchise erected in its place. “Nobody reads any more,” bemoaned long-time Weehawken librarian Eleanora (“Chi Chi”) Rothscommon. “Nobody cares about books. The library is empty all day long. We just get the occasional teenager trying to download porn.” Taco Bell handed out free vegetarian tacos, and the general consensus was “good riddance” to the historic library. “Who needs books? But everybody needs tacos!” exclaimed Tiffani Stepani (37), mother of five.
Some of the delicious tacos passed out gratis by generous Taco Bell! Yum, yum!
The comptroller of Weehawken was on hand for the cannoli-eating competition, reminding citizens that tax season is upon us, and he hoped everyone had paid their estimated taxes this year. But everyone was eating tacos, and did not listen to the speech. The comptroller, Benjamin K. Ergbot II, then crowned Jennifer Ergbot (no relation) “Miss Cannoli of 2011.” The crowd then danced to the sounds of reggae and post-modern hip hop, music provided by the DJ known as “Fatboy Slimtime.”
The crowd danced after the cannoli-eating contest. No one could explain the colorful costumes. But they’re cute!
Buzzy Widewheeler: the best darned journalist in Northern New Jersey 