NUTLEY, NEW JERSEY: Announcing our exciting new column, “WHY DON’T YOU???”
WHY DON’T YOU: Dye your hair green like Lady Gaga?
The former Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, now the inimitable Lady Gaga. Green is well-known to coordinate with any color complexion. Why not die it??? Why don’t you???
WHY DON’T YOU: Pole dance in your underwear like Britney Spears???
Lose unwanted pounds through popular and fun pole dancing. Why not install a pole in your basement or garage, and dance for your husband, or close friends? It’s a great way to show off your favorite undies!!! Why don’t you???
WHY DON’T YOU: Become unspeakably cool, like Ryan Gosling???
Ran Bay sunglasses are easily purchased, grow some scruff, and show your white undershirt prominently. That’s all it takes to be unspeakably cool!!! That–and some major swagger: you can do it, if you put your mind to it!!! Why don’t you???
WHY DON’T YOU: Become the next Simon Cowell???
To become like Simon, don a black suit, unbutton your shirt rather low, and look mildly annoyed at all times. Travel with your own photographer, and grab unknown women on the street and force them to pose with you. That–and start your own TV show where you humiliate singers!!! Why don’t you???
WHY DON’T YOU: Wear a jump suit???
Elvis knew that there was nothing like a spandex jumpsuit to grab people’s attention!!! Especially when it’s snow white. Go on! I dare you! Why don’t you????
Russell’s Men’s Clothing Store: at 274 South Main Street, in beautiful downtown Nutley, New Jersey. They have fantastic sales, since they are always going out of business! And, gentleman, they are happy to make you a custom-tailored jumpsuit!!! Be the first on your block to order one. Why don’t you????
Buzzy Widewheeler: the best darned journalist in Northern New Jersey 