WEST NEW YORK: Northern New Jersey women are rebelling at a sudden surge in men displaying their chest hair, with dress shirts unbuttoned dangerously low.
What makes men want to flaunt themselves??? Northern New Jersey women want to know!!!
“Do men really think we want to see their chest hair?” complained Reneatha Crombull. “Do they really think it’s sexy? It makes me want to take out a bottle of Clorox and pour it all over their chests. It’s not hygienic!”
“Even Spanish dancers, if they’re decent, cover up that d**n hair,” fumed Crombull.
“Look,” said Mildred Whackwetter, mother of seven, and Reneatha’s business partner, “men have been shaving and and waxing for the last 20 years. Do you watch tv? Do you watch film? There is not one professional actor with any hair anywhere–except on top of his head! And that’s what I want to see in Northern New Jersey too! Chest hair is not decent!!!”
You don’t want to look like Mark Twain shirtless, do you, guys??? “Ugh!!!” say the women of Northern New Jersey!!
Former president Gerald Ford as a young man: football star, shirtless, and not a hair anywhere on his body!!! (He’s not even sucking in his gut!) Take note, guys–and follow Gerry’s example!! Wax it all off, and watch the women flock to your door!!!
Reneatha Crombull’s tanning salon on 347 1/2 Main Street in West New York. Attention, gentlemen: Reneatha can discreetly remove all unhygienic and unwanted hair from your body. Shhh!!! She won’t tell a soul, so you won’t be labelled an “aesthete!!!”
Buzzy Widewheeler: the best darned journalist in Northern New Jersey 