PATERSON, NEW JERSEY: The town selectmen of Paterson have tentatively announced cancelling Valentine’s Day celebrations. “We just can’t afford the decorations this year. These are really tough economic times. We have to look at every line item,” explained Henri Wolowski, the selectman spokesperson. Paterson is famous throughout Northeastern New Jersey, in fact, throughout the tri-state area, for its extensive and tasteful Valentine’s Day decorations.
“I don’t know what the world is coming to if we can’t celebrate our national holidays like we should. It isn’t a good example for our children!” opined Mrs. Ernestine Broadwat. [Wally--should we mention Valentine's Day isn't national holiday?] “We should cut the fat out of our school budgets. So much money is wasted on theater, music, painting, drawing and all that kind of cr–. Everybody knows art is a waste of time. Schools should focus on what really matters, and what will help our children in the real world, like teaching them Facebook,” continued Mrs. Broadwat.
A small and peaceful protest broke out spontaneously in front of City Hall this morning, when three office workers were outside smoking on their break. They wrote “Free Valentine’s Day” on their Starbucks paper coffee cups, and briefly chanted “Shall We Gather At the River.” When asked why that famous American gospel song, they replied they all knew it: at least the first two lines.
Local merchants are showing true Paterson spirit, by stepping up to the plate, even when local government falls short. Krispy Kreme is donated a giant donut in the shape of a heart. The two-story-high donut will be mounted on the front of City Hall at a special midnight ceremony on Valentine’s Day Eve. There is an exciting rumor that the Dixie Chicks will reunite for a one-time-only special concert. Selectman Woloski recalled that one of the Dixie Chick’s Lexus broke down in Paterson on her way to a concert in Princeton several years ago, and said Paterson was “a very nice town, no matter what anybody says.”
In related news Selectman Woloki’s daughter “Blaze” has been chosen as a semi-finalist on American Idol! The town of Paterson is in an uproar. The board of selectman have already agreed to a ticker-tape parade [Wally--the selectman asked where they could get tickertape] and a “Welcome Home, Blaze” celebration if Ms. Woloki wins in the finals at American Idol! Go Blaze!!!